7 Weeks!

Today I am 7 weeks and 4 days.

I have been a wreck. I am thinking of going ahead and sharing this pregnancy with all of you. I need a better support system than I currently have.

Monday should have been the magical day I was counting down to.

I saw my baby's heartbeat, a strong 146 beats per minute.

But the Ultrasound felt super rushed, I had to have a vaginal ultrasound because it is early. They went into my cervix and I saw the baby and the heartbeat immediately.

My husband could be there.

So I called him over to hold my hand so I could point it out to him.

He responded, "it looks just like you,"

The tech said "yup, I am seeing one heartbeat and one baby" I said I was too and asked which side had the corpus luteum, to find out which ovary I ovulated from and she said it was from the right side again this pregnancy.

Then they said "congratulations." and they escorted us out.

I went home, and I started crying because I already missed my baby.

I didn't call anyone to tell them I saw the heartbeat and things were okay, I didn't send texts. I just felt incredibly anti-climatic. I was numb and sad that I failed my baby with not expressing my excitement.

Tuesday I messaged a childhood friend who posted about her pregnancy and told her I was also pregnant, but we weren't announcing since it was early. She responded by telling me to stay away from herbal teas, which I am sure she meant well by. But I read it as my miscarriage was because I drank Ginger tea with my twins when I had that okayed by the OB.

So I was upset that so much of the world still thinks it is the Mother's fault when they lose a baby.

Miscarriages are common and are most of the time caused by chromosomal abnormalities!

Tuesday night I had the worst nightmare.

I was holding a teeny tiny miscarried baby in my hand, and I was trying to figure out how we could save the baby and everyone was telling me there was no way to save them. Taking them to the hospital wouldn't do any good but I could see them moving so I knew they were still alive and something could be done. Then the baby shrank away and broke into pieces in my hand. I then went to the bathroom and found I had been bleeding and rushed myself to the hospital because I thought I was miscarrying. I woke up from this dream terrified because miscarriage nightmares were the only sign that something was wrong with the twins.

I called my mom crying.

I called the Doctor's office crying.

I laid in bed crying.

Yesterday was a wasted day.

But today I am feeling better. Or I guess I should say feeling worse. I am vomiting again today and my breasts hurt again.

I have a nurse appointment today, just a phone visit to answer all the questions.

I called and talked to the nurse for a half hour, and they calmed my nerves. It felt wonderful to have someone listen and support me. She was understanding and made sure I knew that there were options for me when my anxiety gets like that.

I could come in for an office visit and she even offered an emergency ultrasound to calm my nerves.

I thought that was a bit too crazy of me and I agreed we could just do the ultrasound in 2 weeks again. I will get to see my sweet baby further along than I saw my twins, so I will hopefully feel relief then. I will come home with excitement in my heart for being able to see my little one grow. I will then announce to family before sharing these blogs to all of you and on my social media.

I know now that I have lots of nightmares that mean nothing. I dreamt Trump won the presidential race again and thank God he did not. I feel he is an extremely corrupt president and I know everyone has their opinions but I got sick of watching him only care about himself while in office for the last 4 years and I hated him even more in 2016 than I do now because I have realized as an adult, I will need to interact with countless people who support candidates I do not. Even if that candidate is the worst thing to happen to our country I love many people who don't feel the same way as me.

I dreamt my sister and her baby died in childbirth and they are both healthy and here.

I have dreamt countless times that my husband cheats on me or leaves me.

I also dream repeatedly that my Dad dies, we dream our fears. They aren't often premonitions. It just so happened I lost my twins before dreaming that I lost them.