Tuesday's blog came with responses to my call for advice on how to assist my body in returning to normal hormones. I was told to "exercise, exercise, exercise" I have decided that is definitely going to be my most helpful plan of action. It is the only thing I can control about this journey. Plus if you remember a few weeks ago I discussed the slowing down of exercises when waiting for an embryo to implant after conceiving. I had a talk with myself that I would regret not losing weight and wasting this time while waiting to conceive more than I would regret not getting pregnant when I could never be in control of when I get pregnant in the first place.
Yesterday the nurse from my Gastroenterologist's office called, they were shocked to hear that I am still suffering all of the bloating, pain and burping. I told them that I started the Omeprazole a few days ago but do not have any relief yet. My Doctor called for a stool test to check for inflammation present in my stool. I have not had high white blood cells the last two times they tested which is the simplest way to check for Crohn's flares but the stool test is more accurate. My Doctor feared that the burping, bloating and pain that I am feeling in my lower right abdomen are signs of a Crohn's relapse.
I took that pretty hard, I do not think it is a relapse but this wouldn't be the first time I unexpectedly relapsed without feeling like I was going to. I sobbed for a good 5 minutes outside the lab when I went to pick up the sample test kit, I listened to Savage Garden Crash and Burn and just scream cried alone where no one could see or hear me. I am scared, mostly that if this is a flare that would put back inside of me a huge sense of guilt that I caused the loss of my twins rather than the peace that I have found in the chromosomal defect.
I will update further with results when I get them.
The location of the pain that I am suffering is in the area that is featured in this photo noted Crohn's Disease, looking at the picture just to the left of the belly button, but its their right, my right. I had maybe roughly 5 feet of that area removed in 2014 but the mild pain has never subsided despite the constant remission.
I am reading UN#@%! YOURSELF by Gary John Bishop I have found the first chapter that speaks to me and that is "I Embrace the Uncertainty." As I am sure you can tell from my blog posts I am a person who needs to be in control of my future. Constantly trying to predict when my husband and I will get pregnant again. How my hormones will come back to normal. What job I will return to and when. I am an addict to predictions, I hate uncertainty. I am hoping the book can help me find peace in uncertainty. The chapter seemed to just suggest the resolution is telling yourself "I embrace the uncertainty." I am trying to do that, Lord knows we have enough uncertainty right now.
I have no real reason to believe I suffer from any type of infertility and most people do in fact conceive while they are continuing their life as normal. I just suffer so much anxiety due to my unpredictable health that I fell into following advice for those who have been trying for years without conception. I in fact, did get pregnant the first month we actually had sex during the 2-3 days that I am most fertile. I link the way that I was feeling when I did get pregnant to how I will get pregnant next time but it is more likely that we conceived when we did because we had sex during my fertile window.
So Wednesday I went for a run and Thursday I went jogging and speed walking. I am sore still from my new workout on Tuesday but that soreness still feels like such a win for me. I worked in the garden Wednesday and mopped all the floors on the main floor of our home. It felt fantastic to be so productive and have nothing to fear about doing that much activity.
Thinking about who I want to be, I don't have a desire to be a career woman, I am a caretaker at heart, I want to take care of the people I love and the people who need someone to love them. So my goal while reading the UN#@%! YOURSELF book is to work hard in all aspects of my life to be the best caretaker I can be. This has always started with myself which tends to be why I don't get as much done as I should around the house, usually I am working and come home to make dinner and clean up the day to day messes but rarely do any deep cleaning.
I enjoy having a garden I find myself talking to all of our baby plants when I am outside weeding the garden. I love having something to care for. We picked our first produce, radishes last week. Our tomatoes are coming in nicely as well. The rest is growing but not yet producing any vegetables yet.
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