Disrupted Sleep and Nightmares

Still not being able to sleep through the night I took some preventative actions Wednesday and Thursday nights. When we turned off the TV at 10pm I told my husband to not talk or bounce around on the bed so that I could relax into sleep rather than be riled up again. My husband loves to roughhouse for an hour before going to sleep. As soon as he stops licking, shaking and bouncing around he just starts snoring. So the those nights I banned it so I wouldn't stay awake for 6 hours after he fell asleep. Its only took me about an hour to fall asleep both nights after we turned off the TV instead.

Then when I've woke up in the middle of the night I did not allow myself to get up and go to the bathroom in hopes I would not lay awake all over again. I fell back asleep immediately without checking the clock both nights. Then I was wide awake at 6am Thursday morning and 7am Friday morning but that is okay.

What was not enjoyable about Wednesday night was another nightmare, this one seemed to just be that my period started. This makes me feel that my period will start which is completely okay, we have time. My body may not be ready to carry a new pregnancy yet and I still have years to conceive. Or that I am just subconsciously so afraid of not conceiving and the anxiety that is going to cause me, making me feel that we are unable to become parents again.

A never-ending dance I will do with myself until I have a successful pregnancy.

Friday I talked with my counselor about the feelings that I am having right now, she challenged me to focus on what part of myself is carrying that fear and what the version of me needs to not feel so scared.

I see my fear as my 22 year old self when I got very sick with my first bowel obstruction, I had been in remission with Crohn's Disease already. So when I first started throwing up uncontrollably my thought was not a bowel obstruction. When they found it I was distraught and furious. I thought I was in the clear. This is also how I felt after my miscarriage so I am linking these two events in my mind.

22 year old baby me needed to know that everything was going to be okay, that I would not die, that my boyfriend wasn't leaving me. That I wouldn't lose my job. I didn't die, obviously, but my boyfriend did cheat on me while I was in the hospital. And 4 months after this diagnoses I lost my job but that was good, because I knew I would leave that job in a few months. Of course the boyfriend who cheated on me did me a HUGE favor as he showed his true colors and I learned that was not the person I wanted to spend my life with.

How this relates to now is I already lost my job, I was happy to lose this one also as I wasn't happy. My husband would never cheat on me or leave me but if there was any chance that he would that would also be a favor to me as I would never spend a lifetime with someone I can't trust. Now that just leaves dying, which I am indeed very scared of at this time. I think the only way to quell that fear is time.

When trying to conceive I had heard that you should continue your workouts as normal in the first two week of your cycle and then after ovulation in the second half of your cycle you should take it easy to let your body do the work of conception and implantation instead of exerting yourself. This is something I had adopted before when we tried to conceive last time and this cycle it has also been a dance with myself because I told myself that I was not going to take it easy those two weeks and if I conceive it will be because it was meant to be. But as the last week my nightmares have increased I have found myself increasingly taking it easier because of fear of responsibility of losing the baby.

Thursday was spent walking outside for 32 minutes and then watching Twin Peaks: The Return. I mopped the whole upstairs and cleaned the bathrooms. I was nervous about cleaning products and the possibility of pregnancy.

If anyone knows what the definitive answer on cleaning products and pregnancy is please share! I haven't looked too much into it yet because I don't think I suffer from infertility (besides the miscarriage) which I had not used any cleaning products during as I took a break from cleaning house and left my husband to all housework.

I just peed a little when I sneezed again, I haven't done that since my last pregnancy, but I think this is just a sign that I need to be doing my kegels more frequently again.

Our garden is doing well, and I find the majority of my facebook friends are also working on their first garden this year. I think that makes us officially grown up.

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