Here I thought that my hormones after my miscarriage would be so uncomplicated. WRONG! It has been 6 weeks since my D & C. The Doctor was wrong when I called in and they said that it was hyper-ovulation.
My HCG stayed up until 35 days since I started bleeding 4 days after my D & C. I ended up taking a pregnancy test Saturday June 13th since I kept throwing up randomly. Not that I felt sick, I just would throw up for no reason, so even though it was early I had to see what was going on with my hormones and if that was the cause of the strange happenings in my body.
That test came back positive. Lightly positive, so that was either that I had taken the test early, but ovulated and had an implantation early or had still had HCG in my system from the miscarriage. So I waited until Thursday June 18th to take another test that came back negative so I think that was because the HCG had not lowered from the miscarriage and was the cause of the mess my body was in.
I had brown spotting from Sunday June 14th to Wednesday the 17th, only having brown discharge when I wiped after peeing. Sunday June 21st I had pink spotting that I thought may be the start of a period. Only having pink show up when I wiped after peeing again, but that seemed to go away quickly.
Monday June 22nd the spotting was brown again and still only when I wipe. Tuesday June 23rd the spotting was still brown and only when I wipe still. But Wednesday June 24th the discharge is gone. Monday June 22nd the back pain was the worst it had been, but Tuesday morning the back pain is pretty mild and easier to ignore. Tuesday I did a really intense workout inside because it was raining and my body is in so much pain rebuilding back the muscle I had lost during my last pregnancy, but it is nice to have a pain in my body that I caused.
Sunday June 21st was Father's Day this year and I did not expect that to be the hard holiday but I cried like I cried after the news of my babies no longer being alive. I laid in bed and just sobbed for about a half hour. I think partially because my hormones are still on this roller coaster that isn't giving me any peace, and partially because we should have been celebrating our soon to be babies and my husband.
Now I am back in fear of not being able to conceive again after I worked so hard to tell myself that we could and we would have a new pregnancy sometime soon.
The gas isn't going anywhere. some days I don't burp constantly but I do still burp quite frequently even on good days. Bloating is much worse than it has been and bloating actually feels like what makes the back pain so much worse. I bought Omeprazole Tuesday to see if that would help, it is a 14 day treatment and can take 1 to 4 days to see results, today one day in isn't any better yet.
Monday June 22nd I took the big step of unfollowing all of my pregnant friends on facebook, I thought it would be a year before I felt like this. But here I am, mad at everyone who is getting to have their happily ever after, after I had to lose the two loves of my life without ever getting to see what they looked like or who they would take after.
I am not happy for the other couples who conceived like I originally was, they don't deserve that happiness any more than I did. I am hurting so badly again and now mad at my body for not helping me by stopping with the hormone bullshit.
I know it is a part of life, I know it is what happens after miscarriages to everyone. I just didn't have great hormones before the pregnancy and all I needed was one good pregnancy and then I wouldn't have to be so anxious.
I dreamt that I didn't get pregnant again until February, that is a very long time to wait but right now that feels likely.
I do feel the majority of the crabbiness, pain and sadness are coming from the hormones I don't want to be this way. I know that this is just a short period of time that I will be feeling this way and things will continue to get better. Yes there will be hard days but time is supposed to make things better.
I probably just need better things to keep me occupied, other than cleaning the house. We did spend the weekend with family but I am not sure if seeing them is what left me feeling worse Sunday night.
I just finished a very good book, Dark Places by Gillian Flynn, my favorite writer and I think Dark Places has been my favorite of her books. The book has been a great escape.
Today I started UN#@%! YOURSELF by Gary John Bishop, so far I am not liking it but I will read the whole book and take it to heart, try to practice it's advice. my husband got me the book for Christmas after I complained of hating my current job and saying that I needed some advice on how to get it together and make my workplace enjoyable. Now I don't have that job and my goal is just to get my hormones in order and have a successful pregnancy soon. I am not sure any self help book advising how to think positively can help me with that.
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