Today is cycle day 12. I started testing for ovulation on cycle day 9, but the last three days it has still been low.
I had looked into what time of day is best for trying to conceive, and I heard that mornings 5am to 7:30am have the highest chances of conception. So we have been waking up on mornings to get busy at 7 am. Yesterday we ordered some natural vitamins for my husband that should increase sperm count, mobility and morphology.
My best friend checked in on me a few days ago, after my post about the pain after a miscarriage. She had also had a miscarriage with her first pregnancy, but then had 3 perfect baby boys. She was pregnant 3 months after her miscarriage. So I am envious of her too, along with all of my friends who could also conceive within months of their miscarriages. The pain of her miscarriage was not erased by her new pregnancy though, and she still mourns that loss. I am thankful to have a friend who can understand my pain and our heartache has brought us closer.
I had my counseling appointment this morning, and we talked about how to grieve. I don't know how you are supposed to grieve such a painful loss as this. She assured me I am doing it right; I need to sit with my pain some days.
If we don't conceive this cycle, we will be 5 months in since the miscarriage. Not that it is a race, I just feel such a hollowness not able to be nurturing and maternal feels like it could help. I think it's the hormones.
I called my Gastroenterologist to see if foods are causing my constant burping; I thought it was potentially lactose intolerance, and it could still be. But some times when I eat lactose I don't get gassy, and sometimes when I don't eat lactose I get gassy and bloated and burp-y just the same. I want to know if there is a food sensitivity test I can take.
Maybe I should try another round of Omeprazole, or maybe my Gastroenterologist will prescribe something else. I just want to know that I am not causing my body extra stress and making our fertility lower because of the burping and bloating. This is terrible. And I wouldn't wish my discomfort on anyone else. Has anyone experienced anything like this? Did you try cutting anything from your diet to find the cause?
I don't feel that my thyroid medicine is helping me have better energy yet. Yesterday I was dragging. Today I have a headache, so I am drinking caffeine to see if that helps with my headache and energy level.
I do usually get headaches when my LH surges, right before ovulation, so I think that is a good sign for us. Hopefully everything works out this cycle. We ovulate in a few days and hit that window perfectly.
My blood pressure medicine ran out yesterday so I am monitoring my blood pressure to see if it goes up and I need it or if it stays lower. The thyroid medicine is supposed to help lower blood pressure.
October is infant and pregnancy loss awareness month. Chrissy Teigen and John Legend shared their painful loss of their baby Jack. I am so thankful that Chrissy will be so vulnerable with us. Chrissy is a beautiful role model to so many, and I admire her. I can't imagine the pain they have suffered, and the Legend family is in my thoughts and prayers.
So many others are sharing their stories, and I am thankful for that.
My pain is immeasurable but I cannot imagine the pain my husband and I would feel if we had made it longer into our pregnancy to lose our twins, if we had named them, we felt their movements, especially if we had gotten to see their perfect little faces like so many other women have.
I discussed with my counselor today that I don't have a real physical memory with my twins, which I would have if we carried them longer. I have their memory box, but unlike with my Grandparents I cannot picture them and mourn them in a physical sense. The closest physical mourning I can do is when I look around our home and imagine all the ways I had pictured it changing, I can see little ghosts of babes running through my home terrorizing us all. That won't happen, not with those twins and not in the immediate future, and that comes with another type of ache.
Have you ever seen that painfully, beautiful cat video where you see the cat watching their deceased owner play the piano? I linked the video so you can bawl your eyes out too. I watched this a few days ago when it came up on my Facebook feed, this wasn't the first time I saw it and I should have known better and not watched it. But I did, and I sobbed while watching this poor kitty, then I went to find Rusty, our cuddly cat and I just sobbed into him. He is so good and just let me cry on him for 10 minutes. He just watched me looking confused but he knew that I needed his cuddles in that moment. There are no words to convey my pain.
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