Today is cycle day 20, I had a meltdown yesterday. So I thought my LH surge was on cycle day 15 when I reached 0.74. But after I got my surge and after I thought I felt ovulation, I started having CRAZY amounts of cervical fluid. Like constantly wet. So I continued taking LH tests and my number went back up again. Then yesterday, cycle day 19, I hit an actual high LH 1.02, so I guess that I still had not ovulated and this cervical fluid is my body's way of telling me we should get busy to create that baby.
I cried, I guess because I thought we had it figured out and we did the baby dance 6 times during what I thought was my fertile window to learn that, that was not my fertile window. We were exhausted of doing the baby dance and now I had to convince my husband we had to get busy all over again. We were not in the right frame of mind for that anymore.
But this morning we had a very intimate morning and hope that we created that baby.
I will take another LH test later today to see if my LH continues to rise or if it drops back down and I am out of the fertile window after today.
Last night I dreamt that I was pregnant along with both of my sisters and we were fighting over baby gifts because we all needed them for our babies. This is the first time I have dreamt that all three of us were pregnant, but one of my sisters dreamt that we were all pregnant at the same time.
I hope that was a sign that my husband and I will conceive this cycle or next.
Yesterday I had a call with my counselor. I started seeing her for EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). Yesterday we did EMDR processing my love flowing freely from me to my babies in heaven and their love flowing back to me. I alternated squeezing my arms and closed my eyes and pictured a rope from me to my angel babies in heaven. It was like my babies giving me a hug.
I felt peace, relief and warmth through my body and heart while I was visualizing this rope of love. I shared this practice with my husband last night, and it brought us both to tears and trying to figure out what we should name our little angel twins. That is such a hard practice for us, though. We both break down any time we discuss naming them, so we just call them baby A and Baby B and hope that soon they will be back with us. I like to think we could get over this and have that conversation some day. We are working on healing its just so hard when we are mourning so many things and just trying to do the best we can.
Not only are we mourning the loss of a baby, but two. We are mourning our having achieved parental status, which was all both of us ever wanted when we got married. My husband is so good with kids. He has a bond with each of my nieces and nephews that I am envious of.
And I have such a maternal drive and would gladly give up everything I am to take care of any baby/child in need. It has been so hard to have the constant reminder that we don't have any babies to be caring for, and we can talk every day like there is a soon future where we have those babies, but without a pregnancy, and without a pregnancy that has lasted longer than 10 weeks we can't make that promise to ourselves. We know someday we will be parents and give away all the love in our hearts, that just could still be 5 years down the road.
I am trying to go back to my cloud of positivity that I held last week that we conceived this cycle. That we are mere weeks away from finding out that there is a little baby growing inside my tummy.
I have never ovulated this late in my cycle. I can only think it is related to my levothyroxine. I guess I could be wrong and I have ovulated this late in my cycle when I have had a longer period in the past. It will just be an abnormally long cycle for me.
I am guessing this period will have to be at least 33 days. If it does not last 33 days then I don't think it bodes well for any chance of a pregnancy this month anyway. A short luteal phase is terrible for fertility.
And now we won't know if we are pregnant until the week of Halloween, which could be a good time to find out, I am just so impatient. I WANT A BABY NOW!
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