Now that we are out of the thick of it I wanted to write about the effects our miscarriage has had on our marriage.
First of all with the corona virus being in full swing, our whole pregnancy I had to attend all of my appointments alone. I didn't mind since I usually see Doctors frequently and always by myself, so this just seemed like an even better time to bond with just my babies.
Which meant when I found out there were two I was all alone and got to deal with my slight surprise for over an hour before telling my husband. Then when I went back two weeks later to see they were still doing well I was still alone in that happiness for an hour before telling my husband.
But that means that when I got the news that our babies were no longer viable, I was all by myself and I didn't feel it appropriate to let my husband find out via phone call so I waited and cried. I think he knew as soon as I walked in the door bawling what had happened and he didn't have too much of a reaction.
The first weekend I cried constantly and my husband tried to comfort me and tell me that crying so hard wasn't good for my health. At that time my health was not on my mind, I was just so sad I would not have my babies anymore.
It wasn't actually until Monday that I saw the toll it was taking on my husband as well as I found him working in his office with tears streaming down his face cuddling the cat. He had been so strong for me. I was so into my own pain as being the one carrying the babies and feeling them inside me I didn't realize he also lost his chance to hold them and love them in a few short months. He was also so ready to be a parent, to give all of his love to a small being that we have created together.
After my D & C he stayed strong for me again and catered to me while I was expecting a lot of pain.
It actually still took me a few days to get angry that we lost our babies and then everything got much worse. I was angry that I had done everything I could possibly do to be the best mother I could be. Angry that people who don't do anything to have a healthy pregnancy have perfect babies that don't get nearly the amount of love that my husband and I are capable or giving.
My husband was still sad but found a lot of causes that weren't about the actual loss and this made me even angrier.
I sat in my anger and I hid from the world for a few days thinking about how I have wanted to be a mother since I was age 4 when my mom had a miscarriage after I was so excited to be a big sister. This actually put in me another huge sense of loss, I had already lost my twin in the womb and now I had lost a baby sibling. I carried with me a HUGE fear that I would never be able to have children myself. I thought happiness and peace would always be out of reach.
Finding out I was pregnant in April was the first time I thought it was even possible that we could conceive. Everyone else in my family had a good first pregnancy and I had made it to 8 weeks where I was told the chance of miscarriage was already much lower. I had given myself in to my excitement just to have it ripped away from me again.
I took my anger out on my husband and I knew this wasn't fair, he was in fact the closest person to understanding my loss. He is the person who loves me most in the world and only wants my happiness. I felt that he was incapable of feeling all of the loss that I feel, and the sad truth is that he is. However, he is capable of feeling his own feelings that I won't understand either, and he would do anything for me.
So I had a few days that I was so angry and so scared, I didn't have any idea what to do with myself. So I pulled away from my husband, after crying for a few hours I knew that I was only adding to my pain by pulling away from him. We needed to pull together to get through this together.
Now that we have a common goal together again, getting as healthy as we can to have another pregnancy. We are feeling maybe even better and stronger having been through this loss together.
If you have suffered a pregnancy loss remember that your partner and you are a team, that communication will be very hard. As long as you remember that you are in the pain together you can get through it together.
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