Unfortunately, I suffered a first trimester missed miscarriage.
I went to my 10 week physical with my OB last Friday. Everything checked out beautifully and she was getting ready to send me for a blood test to find out what the babies gender. I felt that something was off so I asked that even though at this appointment they do not usually check for heartbeats or have an ultrasound. I asked that we please check them before I leave.
My lovely Dr. looked for the heartbeats like I asked with the doppler but my utrerus is tipped back so it would be harder to find and she said that she could get me in to the extra ultrasound room and get a quick look at them.
Immediately after turning the ultrasound machine on and putting the wand on my tummy I knew I lost Baby B as they were still so tiny and there was obviously no movements anymore. So my Dr. asked that I get a trans-vaginal ultrasound for Baby A and thankfully the ultrasound tech had offered to give up her lunch break to help.
So I had to wait 45 minutes in the waiting area I was sobbing (during coronavirus, tears streaming down my face onto my mask and constantly asking for tissues, everyone knew I was suffering some terrible loss) finally they called me back to the room and again as soon as they went in with the vaginal ultrasound I knew Baby A was no longer alive either. They had no heartbeat but were larger than Baby B so I tried to stay calm for her to check everything out. After only 3 AGONIZING minutes the tech finally said "I'm sorry there is no heartbeat for either baby. I am so sorry" I was 6 feet in the air on her table and I wrapped myself into the fetal position and just sobbed louder than I have ever cried in my whole life.
My whole world came crashing down, no babies NO BABIES! They were gone and I had no idea how I would go on with life. I thought about the possibility of a miscarriage every single day of this pregnancy and I kept telling myself and God I will DIE if you let these babies die on me. I have nothing without them. Just please give me these babies I will give up everything just to have these twins
And here I was, both babies gone. It didn't matter what I was willing to give up to have them, or how much I bargained, they are gone. The pain was unbearable, but I have lived. I have been shown immense love by healthcare professionals, acquaintances, friends and family. I still have my husband, my life partner, and he is suffering too. So many people feel the loss of these twins. I don't believe that anyone is capable of the loss that I feel because they were inside me and I only thought of them everyday for the last nearly 6 weeks.
I am entirely aware that millions of women have suffered the same unbearable loss of their own babies. I read hundreds of stories after my loss so I do know that I am not alone and that does bring it's own peace.
I will also post a blog about my D&C and after experience and another blog about my tribute box to the twins that I will be keeping forever for them.
I will keep up with the blog, website, instagram, twitter and facebook page, but with a new brand. I will slowly give updates and come up with new ways to share my life and interact with others. So I hope you will stay engaged and help give me ideas of what you would like to hear about.
Flowers sent to us from family and friends. We feel so loved and thankful.
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