Reflections

Friday mornings I have a zoom meeting with my counselor during the quarantine, so this week we talked about how I am angry, scared and hopeful about my current situation. Angry because I lost my babies and it's not fair. Scared that I won't be able to ever become an earth mother. Hopeful because I want to try again soon, part of me is confident that we will have a baby soon because statistically we should be able to have a healthy baby shortly after a miscarriage.

Memorial Day Weekend planted our garden, I planted okra, radishes, kohlrabi, many different peppers, tomatoes, summer squash and winter squash. The peppers we germinated inside and tomatoes but our tomatoes died so we went out to buy new large tomato plants. Our garden seems to be doing well, it is hot hot hot this week.

Today I visited with my 9th grade self, I was impulsive, energetic, capricious, emotionally unstable and lighthearted. My life chiefly existed online at this time in my life, I belonged to many fan clubs and wrote about celebrities a lot. Which I now see is depressing because my life was amazing and I had so much offered to me right there that I didn't realize wouldn't be offered my whole life. A best friend that lived with me, plays, musicals and theater that I could be active in, time with my friends at school and at home, and unlimited potential.

I was obsessed with The Suite Life of Zack and Cody and the shows twin actors Dylan and Cole Sprouse. As a member of their fan club, still a special memory to me, I remember the monthly chats with them, and bonding with many other teens about how hott they were! I also got a gift box from them that included a postcard, a signed poster and probably other things but I just don't remember that well.

My family hosted a foreign exchange student from South Korea my freshman year. She was my best friend and we did so many silly things together. We called "celebrities" by calling the operator and asking for home phone numbers of people with the last names that are famous in the Los Angeles area. We talked to a few young actors that were about our age. Which also had to be alarming for them and their parents. I think it is likely harder to get a hold of people you don't know these days with mostly cell phones being used, and I don't believe you can call the operator for cell numbers. At least I hope we live in a world where it is a little harder to get a hold of strangers.

I had cute little online boyfriends that lived in California and hoped to go visit them someday. The internet is a scary place but no one thinks they will fall victim to a catfish or something even more dangerous, I thankfully did not have to experience anyone pretending to be someone they are not. I do cringe looking back at how reckless I was, talking to strangers, however, I did take precautions and never told anyone where I lived. I mostly was just trying to find people who know famous people. I foolishly thought that knowing them would mean that I could go out to California to meet these celebrities.

"My like for you flows very much like love" - This is a nice little saying that my best friend used to tell me that I should say to guys that I thought I loved or that told me they loved me. I wish that I had remembered this to ever use it in a practical way. Another instance of having time and space to think about frivolous things. I miss my teenage years so much. Life was light, airy and carefree. I had energy I can only dream of having in my late 20's.

Next I visited with my 7th grade self again, in a journal following the first journal I ever wrote in, 7th grade was a hard year. I was sick frequently and very thin, I was instructed to try to gain some weight so I could go through puberty that came a little late for me. My social life was hard, I was trying to figure out who I was but the hormones of puberty did not help me. I was assertive, self-centered and flustered.

Despite this seeming like a terrible time to me looking back today, my 7th grade self seemed to love all this confusion. So much was exciting and new, there was so much to experience and learn I was good at taking advantage of the opportunities I had at this time in my life. I embarrassed myself nearly daily trying to get attention from my crush or just other kids in my classes, I loved attention.

I was such a mama's girl, I wrote about missing my mom whenever I was away from home or when she was away. This hasn't changed much, even though my mom is in a different state I still talk to her often and miss both of my parents everyday.

I am thankful that I have my journals to look back on to remember this time in my life at least. It's a nice visit with my younger self. I wish that I could tell her what I have learned since so she hadn't hurt like she had, but you live and learn.

I have always been sick, I missed a lot of school in all the years of my journals, I don't remember being sick that often, but it makes sense because I have likely struggled with Crohn's Disease almost my whole life. It seems most days I missed school it was headaches, stomach aches, vomiting and diarrhea, all issues I struggle with still today.

In my blog post titled Finding Distractions During Heartache I referenced my 7th grade crush, this poor boy who I victimized everyday. Unfortunately, 7th grade was not the end, in 9th grade my two best friends found this bright pink tee shirt that he used to wear that said "models wanted" and gave it to me. I slept in this shirt for years and it wasn't until my senior year that I threw the shirt out after my first real, serious boyfriend asked me to. I don't believe I have ever admitted this in public.

I was really into writing poetry at this time in my life, I wrote some beautiful poems as well as a lot of ridiculously silly poems. I have always loved writing and used it as a primary way to express myself, I wish that I had gone to college for journalism but as I wrote about before I needed to create the most comfortable life for myself to care for my ailments. Still something my husband and I struggle for together now. If I had known I would marry a man like him then maybe I could have studied journalism, I would then be married to a practical person instead of having to be a practical person myself.

I am glad to have this site to write in for now and we will see what the end of quarantine brings. I was unhappily working at a CPA firm as an administrative assistant after years of happily performing this role in a small firm I thought it was my dream job, but either the company was a bad fit or I was in too dangerous of a place to be doing well. So when Coronavirus hit, I got let go along with many other administrative assistants firm-wide. It was a blessing because I was sick with stress about work all the time, I did not bond with my coworkers and I was scared of them, I am not normally that timid of a woman, but something was off.

I would like to perform a job that I could do from home because I am very comfortable here, where I can run to the bathroom quickly and pick right back up. I enjoy being on a computer and on the phone. I just hope that the economy has not taken such a deep turn for the worse that I can get any type of job soon.

I think the quarantine has been good for me psychologically in many ways, I fell victim to a sexual assault in 2017 and because of many other emotional issues I had not dealt with healthily I had a hard breakdown of personality which caused me to lose all of my social circle and rebuild with my husband who I needed to care for me and help me while I put the pieces back together so I could build the life that I had always wanted. I forgot how to interact with anyone on a fun level because I was scared all the time.