I have been dying to talk about this publicly.
This is not a pregnancy announcement.
What I am is very concerned about what a pregnancy and growing our family might look like. I started therapy for this, I've seen 4 doctors and I still change my mind every day.
T and I have a great thing going.
My husband and I have finally gotten on the same page about T.
But I also know if we want to have another, soon is the time. I am 31. The ideal time to get pregnant is 18 to 36 months after the last pregnancy.
I don't think I would be so confused if I hadn't been convinced shortly after T was born that I would die if we attempted another pregnancy. I laid bleeding out for over an hour on the operating table just literally dying to see and hold my baby. I knew something was very wrong.
I was under the impression that all of the clots in my placenta had occurred throughout my pregnancy and led to a high risk of death for baby and me, I understood that my risk only went up for more complications in subsequent pregnancies. But I misunderstood.
I have now had it explained that it was my long labor and a placenta succenturiata that caused these blood clots and my bleeding out.
As I left the operating room, I felt I'd be back in a year.
Both of my older sisters had their first and second baby 13 months apart. So, I guess part of me thought that was the only way for some reason. Despite knowing many family layouts.
When my period did return 18 months to the day since T's delivery.
I had awful anxiety that just because I was ovulating again, I would get pregnant despite scant intercourse.
Now we are on month 6, and my periods have been extremely reliable, I am thankful for this. It makes both planning to avoid a pregnancy and attempt one easy.
I have cried almost every day since December, not babbling in-understandable bawling, just 1 or 2 tears in mourning.
Mourning the life I thought we would have of 3 of us. Long days of T being my best friend and my whole life being dedicated to her. T sleeping with me for years to come and all of my focus on her and her happiness. I was the youngest, with a rather large age gap so part of me feels like I can only be a good mom to one child. I was with my mom alone much of the time.
Mourning also watching T bond with a sibling.
Watching T have the community I so badly wanted as I got older and realized my sisters and I don't know the same crowds. I watch my sisters large family in a small community and still at 31, I am envious of their "popularity" and community because they are so involved with each other and their community.
I don't want T to experience the loneliness I felt drowned in at times.
But my husband has a bit of the opposite story, having a younger sibling whom he is not close to in adulthood and I frequently hear stories of how he didn't want the baby to come home when my husband 2 years old.
He wanted his mama all to himself, and at 30 himself I feel he still feels this way. I frequently hear it was a neverending compiletition between them.
I have so many conflicting feelings about growing our family and I'm dying to hear what went through your minds as you ventured into having a second child?
The therapy has resulted in them telling me every couple goes through the same feelings I am.
I read a book about how only children turn out just fine, which resulted in me realising my husband and I both have all of the characteristics of only children despite not being them. I know what I'm signing up for if T is our only baby.
What I'm not sure of is what happens when we take the chance.
Either we will grow in love and be an even more beautiful family of 4.
There is the potential of our attempts being fruitless and staying a family of 3 in the future too.
I have come to peace with so much regarding T being our only, and yet so little with what the opposite might bring.
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