I have touched on most blog posts about the depression that follows a miscarriage. But this post I want to do more of a deep dive into it. I don't feel that I have felt any real happiness since May when I lost the twins.
The days, weeks and months are dragging on and I feel chronically lonely.
I try to keep myself busy and try to find things that might help me feel happiness, but I am depressed. I feel hopeless about my ability to have children and like my body's aches and pains are reminders that we aren't where we need to be to support a pregnancy.
I am sick and tired of burping and wish that anything in the world could relieve it. I had my upper scope yesterday and was told that I am in perfect shape. I have no active Crohn's or visible issues. My Doctor believes that it is a muscle issue with the closing over my stomach. It is not closing and therefore; causing me to have constant burping. There is nothing we can do about it, but also there is nothing wrong so I have a lot of conflicting feelings about this news.
I slept all day yesterday and all night last night, thanks to the anesthesia from the upper scope. It was oh so needed. I am still a little groggy and dragging today, but I feel better after having slept for over 14 hours.
I am on cycle day 12 and think I ovulated last night or this morning. My BBT was 96.8 when I woke up yesterday morning and then still that low when I got to the hospital for the procedure. My cervical fluid was also fertile yesterday, and much thicker again already today. And my last period was in full swing after 25 days, so this is still consistent with a shorter cycle. I am making moves this cycle to not look into what we could do to help conceive and if it happens this month, it will just be a wonderful "surprise."
I deleted Facebook and Instagram from my phone again so I don't browse them when I am bored and lonely, making myself even more bored and more lonely. I am suffering a bit of PTSD about the miscarriage and after seeing a friend's post about her pregnancy with twins, my mind flew away with me and I decided that I cannot try to keep up with other couples I see online.
It's been a few days now and I don't miss it at all. I think I'll leave social media off of my phone for a while. There is just so much to drive yourself crazy about.
I looked up if the levothyroxine could have aided in making me feel worse this last week, and I didn't see any link in that. I saw that it can take a while to help you feel better. I felt terrible 2 or 3 weeks ago.
So likely I need to just give it time to work out.
In the meantime, maybe if I just thank God and the world for everything I do have and start each day with gratitude, I can help my happiness. I know you are as happy as you make up your mind to be, and though I feel a lot of loneliness and helplessness; I have so much to be thankful for.
Another thing I can do is focus on connecting with others, rather than isolating. I am spending so much time in my home and not socializing that I don't really have anything to tell people when I talk to them.
Saturday my husband and I are going to his Uncle's house for his Uncle's and Mom's birthdays. I am looking forward to the distraction that will help create.
My parents are hoping to come up for a visit next week Monday-Wednesday and celebrate my sister and nephew's birthdays. That will be a welcome distraction.
I would love to go on a trip somewhere to help with rebuilding my happiness, but my husband works a lot and we don't want to catch Covid. I can't run into any gas station without 90% of my encounters being people who are not wearing masks. Why would I think we could drive hours for a mini vacation without coming into contact with others who aren't taking the precautions seriously?
I am almost finished with The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn and I finally ordered the Midnight Sun book, but there is quite a backlog of the highly anticipated book so I will have to wait a few weeks before I'll receive it.
So in the meantime, I am planning to read my first Stephen King novel ever! I am hoping his words will carry me away into another universe and then I can read the other Stephen King novels my husband owns.
I just temporarily want to be anywhere other than in my head dealing with the anxiety and depression that I am swimming in.
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