I am in the two week wait so I wanted to take some time to write about the feelings during this wait. I use the Ovia App to track my cycles, and I am sure that it is not yet accurate since I am not sure how my cycle is going to regulate after the miscarriage.
My app predicted that my most fertile days were May 25th through May 30th and I feel that I actually was most fertile the week after that starting Sunday May 31st and lasting until Thursday June 4th. Those are the main days I had the symptoms of ovulation.
I used Ovia when we were trying to conceive with the twins and a few of my cycles my peak fertile days moved around and I specifically remember them moving further into the month on the app when we did conceive because in February I started Zoloft so my period was around 3 weeks late so the next month when we did conceive it was not my first expectation.
I have had a lot of cervical fluid which was a big symptom last pregnancy. I kept thinking my period had started because I could feel the sticky fluid seeping out almost all the time. I had told a friend about this and she said this was something she experienced in early pregnancy.
This time I am trying to remain positive so my body is in it's best place to conceive but I am also trying not to get excited so I don't get a second round of grief if we have not conceived yet. It is early, we have time.
I had a nightmare a few nights ago that I was in the hospital with an infection of the colon and I suffered a miscarriage as a result. I was distraught, screaming and crying, even worse than when I found out about my real life miscarriage. I think this is because I held it together so much more than I predicted. I internalized a lot of my pain and anguish over losing my babies and have held on to hope that I will get to be a mother soon. But inside my heart and mind are still carrying that pain.
I said I am not as scared of having a second miscarriage as I was of my first but my mind and heart are holding on to that fear.
I have such bad insomnia right now, I cannot fall asleep nor stay asleep and I am suffering a lot of anxiety in those hours that I lay awake. Monday night I didn't go to sleep until 6:30am, in the hours I laid awake I was scared of home break-ins and the way that I feel about miscarriage. Tuesday night I fell asleep around 1:15am to only stay asleep until about 3:45am I was so scared that I woke my husband up and I went back to sleep around 6:30 after taking tylenol PM and woke up at 10:30 this morning, I can't even see straight today.
My first pregnancy brought with it immense anxiety, so much so that I considered allowing that to be my only pregnancy in the moment so I didn't have to feel that level of anxiety again. This is something I forgot about until now. Which of course goes further to prove the way mothers feel, that the benefits far outweigh the ailments of pregnancy and delivery.
I have slight breast tenderness which could mean anything and this point.
My back hurts a lot so I have been wearing my maternity belt frequently, this seems to be a real miracle, as 5 minutes on and all the back pain subsides for days at a time.
I am having cramps but also that could be implantation at this point or just my body preparing for that first period after the miscarriage. It also could just be gas pains since my tiny burps have morphed back into large burping, bloating gas and wicked farts. I can always feel the gas build up in my intestines whether it comes up as a burp or out as a fart.
Frequent Urination has been pretty consistent since my last pregnancy still, I have to pee very frequently, I am not able to sleep through the night anymore.
Mood swings could be anything, I have them but I also am at home with my husband all the time and he's a moody man himself. He loves licking me all the time and that makes me scream and lose my temper. He also loses his temper mostly during his work day as he constantly yells at me to be quiet when I am cleaning up the kitchen because his home office is under the kitchen.
This is the way that my app currently looks, I tried a few apps when we first decided to start trying and this was my favorite with the easiest to use layout. You can track your periods, the way you feel, when you have had intercourse and meals, weight and sleep. I track my cervical fluid, symptoms and the days we have intercourse most vigilantly.
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