Today is day 8 of my cycle. The first day of my proliferative phase. I was surprised to have a 7-day period this month.
I haven't had a real period last this long since I was a teenager, before Crohn's Disease and before birth control. I had a heavy period. The first day started a little slow but then it took off days 2-5, day 6 and 7 it slowed down to only bright red blood when I wiped after going to the bathroom. I could wear a light pad both days.
I think this bodes well for us.
I hope that this means we are ready to conceive. I sure wish it would happen soon.
I have been slipping deeper and deeper into depression this week also; I haven't been talking with my friends.
Two nights ago, I cried to my husband and asked him what he thought happened to our twins. Are they in heaven? I used to get more peace from thinking they never really existed. That is still more of a comfort than to think my babies were here and loved me. I feel such a lump in my throat whenever I see the video come across my phone screen of their little hearts pumping away at 6 weeks and again at 8 weeks.
My babies were there.
But I also read that they weren't aware of their existence until 9 weeks, and my babies showed no evidence of making it that long. I feel better believing that. They never felt pain, never loved and lost. This is what I believe happens, that babies don't gain their souls until they have a brain and all of their bodies work.
I have always and will always want nothing more than to be a mommy. The joy I felt finding out that I was pregnant with them was unlike any other. And just like that, they were gone, and I was demoted back to want to be mommy.
My counselor had thought her miscarried baby came back around the next time when she had a successful pregnancy. She had the idea that his little soul wouldn't implant into that broken body I hold a lot of hope for it being like that, rather than a lost set of twins I will never get to know. I think my twins are just waiting to come to earth to be with me and my husband until the world is a little less dangerous and scary. That they are just on hold up in heaven to come back to earth. I love this thought.
I had a talk with my husband about when we should sign up for foster care, foster care to adopt or adoption in case we just aren't meant to have our own little babies. He thought 2 years from now, I will be almost 31 and we should be in the position of knowing if we will get to have our own or not.
I am already on the fast track to getting fertility treatments if we don't conceive by March. I need to just relax. But guys, this short time has been the most painful of my life. If I had never conceived I would have gone crazy by now that that we were infertile, but it wouldn't be as painful as that loss and the emptiness ever since the loss. I am now struggling with thoughts of infertility. Thinking my husband and I are broken and incapable of creating a healthy baby that would live.
We are trying to conceive again this cycle, with the help of ovulation strips.
I am waiting a few days until I test ovulation. We are sticking with every other day schedule of intercourse that we have kept.
Maybe we will have more luck this month, since I will be 6 weeks into thyroid treatment. I know that once we get pregnant it all happens so fast and we only have a matter of weeks before we are past the time that we made it to with our twins and I can relax into the comfort of motherhood.
It's just waiting for that positive pregnancy test seems to take forever, I know it really hasn't been that long. It still hasn't been 5 months since I lost my twins. Granted, this is longer of trying to conceive since the first time we conceived, but there has also been a lot more going on with my health.
I believe that I am lactose intolerant now and that is why I have been burping since my pregnancy. I feel miserable when we get ice cream or I drink coffee with creamer. So I am working on cutting lactose out of my diet. I definitely have less bloating and gas when I don't eat it. This morning I had a cup of coffee with almond milk and spices rather than creamer, I am uncomfortably full and have some bloating and gas but not nearly as bad as it is other days.
Enjoy this picture of my first attempt at rolling my sushi. We had so much fun making it.
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